I have a lot of pride sometimes and that can make me very stubborn. You tell me that I can’t and I will dig my feet in to prove you wrong. Those 2 little words spark competition and shame if I really can’t do it. Not being able to do something makes me feel inferior and ashamed of my capabilities. Rather than tell you that I can’t, I will hide away and avoid the subject all together.
I am petite and I have always felt that I have had to overcompensate, to do better than those bigger than me.
Kickboxing has kicked me on my butt in more ways than one. I am slowly getting comfortable with saying “I can’t.” I have physical limitations, my hip injury, and I can’t do certain exercises…and it’s ok.
However, it never gets easier when I have a new trainer and I have to explain my limitations ALL OVER AGAIN. In the great scheme of things, what I can’t do in class is very minimal, but it is the idea that there is a limit. I do not like feeling like I have limits. I like to push the limits and see how far I can go, not hold back because I can’t. Each time I tell a trainer that I can’t jump rope or do a jumping exercise, I feel squidgy inside. Every time the others in the class see I am not doing a certain exercise, possibly taking it “easy,” I feel ashamed as if I have to explain myself.
Slowly, I challenge myself and feel myself getting stronger that I don’t feel as bad when I modify an exercise. It’s been hard, really hard for me to learn this. When I begin to feel like I should be able to do this or that, I have to take a step back and ask myself : Who am I doing this for-other’s approval or myself? I do not have to live up to others standards of accomplishment(s), just my own self imposed levels of success. I do not feel the need anymore to prove anyone wrong when they say that I can’t do X,Y, or Z. It is insecurity that creates these sort of competitions. Insecurity from the person who tells you you are not capable because they need to feel superior and Insecurity within yourself which sometimes prevents you from trying.
What I decided is this: I will push myself, understand my limitations but not allow them to prevent me from trying something new. I will create my own measurements of success and not allow others to impose their own on me. I will say “I can’t” proudly because that limitation is only a fraction of who I am. I can do much more that I can’t…and that’s ok.