I am going to be honest with you: I have a skewed sense of “Enough”. Above is a listing of what I completed for April & May and yet I still struggle with the idea : Could I have done more? Did I over allocate in one section and not enough in another? How come I feel jittery when someone asks me how I fill my days?
It is called vulnerability and fear. I have devoured Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly and The Gifts of Imperfection books this month. She describes vulnerability as “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure.” What I recognized after reading both books are the triggers that make me suck in my breath and become unsteady in my thought process: the shame of not being lovable enough just as I am.
I remember when I was young, I was about 5-10 min late getting home from being with friends. I was told that I was a shameful child to not respect the time and that I was lucky to have a loving family to care for me. It was the first time I thought: Am I worthy to be loved? What does that mean? What do I need to do in order to be loved? It was here that I began to do, sometimes over do, things for others because I thought I needed to justify their love for me.
Flash forward many years later and again I was told that I was Boring, un-interesting, and there was no love left for me.
Me, as I am, was not enough…again.
That vulnerability coupled with the irrational fear “no one can really see the real me” leads to chaos in my brain. It has taken a lot of concerted effort to look at my plans with an objective eye, asking the question: What is the Intention behind what I am doing? Does it serve my own growth or is it overcompensating to be liked?
It is really hard to put yourself and your needs first, to say no to helping others because it would deplete you, and to trust your heart. To get comfortable with other’s discomfort as you meet the fear of the unknown head first and move past it has become the ultimate trust exercise. What I have realized is that fear closes off trust and hope.
Without trust and hope in ourselves and for ourselves, how can we be ourself? Can we be Truly ourselves, without making excuses for what we didn’t do, standing strong in who we are…just as we are? For me, I just take it one step at a time, slowly getting comfortable with the concept: I did Enough today, that was all I could do and it’s ok.