How can we, as parents, positively Impact our children and Empower them? I have been grappling with this question over the past few months and I have come to this conclusion: We need to Listen to them.
When we utilize Active and Empathetic Listening in our conversations with our children, we show them the value of their words, validate their feelings, and provide a reference point for them to work from. Children are little people with thoughts and feelings all their own. Sometimes, how they feel may not make sense to us adults from our “grown up” viewpoint, but our lack of understanding should not negate their feelings.
Mina and I talk all the time about all sorts of stuff. Lately, a lot of what we talk about around the dinner table are words: Nice words, hurtful words, intention, and the impact words can have on another person. She asks questions and I do my best to answer them.
One day, she asked me to tell her a story of when I was scared as a little girl and what I did about it. I told her the story about First Grade and my teacher Mrs. Jordan.
I was scared to go to first grade. Nana and I walked hand in hand to school and I cried the whole way. My teacher, Mrs. Jordan, did not like “cry-babies” in her class and I remember that she used lock me and 3 other classmates in the library next to her classroom until we stopped crying. To this day, I can remember that round table, how I sat facing the door, and the sound of the door closing and locking. It didn’t feel right to me. So, one day, I went to her desk and asked if I could go to the principal’s office. When I got there, I told Mr. MacIntyre that Mrs. Jordan was a mean teacher and I didn’t like being locked in the library. Could I please change teachers and go into Mrs. Reynolds class? He LISTENED to me….and he said Yes. He asked if I wanted him to gather the things from my desk in Mrs. Jordan’s room for me, but I said no. I remember walking back into my old classroom, standing in front of Mrs. Jordan’s desk with a BIG smile on my face, said “Good BYE Mrs. Jordan!!!”, gathered my things and met Mr. MacIntyre at the door. He swung me up on his right shoulder and brought me to Mrs. Reynolds class, all the way to my seat in the classroom.
My mom tells me that after school was over, other teachers from school called her to tell her what I did. They were surprised that someone so young stood up to one of the meanest teachers in school. I asked mom today how did I learn to stand up for myself like that? Not really remembering the particulars, she simply said that she probably listened to me and told me to speak up when things didn’t feel right on your inside.
Listening to others in a way that they feel heard in a totally present focused, interactive process. Listening does not mean “fixing” or solving the problem, but it allows the other person to have the space to release and reflect. These are the tools that a child needs to learn and bring forward into life. Learning to listen creates an awareness outside of Self, begins the process of the empathizing with another person, and teaches them that words have power: power to to hurt/power to heal.
A child who is truly listened to and feels heard understands the Impact of words. Cultivated in a healthy way, this understanding will enable a child to feel strong in speaking his/her words, provide confidence and compassion in all future endeavors.