There comes a point in a newly blended family when you know, just know, that everyone has accepted everyone into their hearts. The girls showed us, in their own way, that they are accepting of Me, Alex, and our new family dynamic.
It all began after dinner with a little familiar song. Allegra and Mina began singing Alex and Elif, sitting in a tree…(ending with) NO baby in a baby carriage. Then, those mischief makers, telepathically, come up with an interesting ending to our evening. Taking Zola into the fold, they whisper in the corner, conspiring and giggling. Soon, they are ready for the big announcement: Alex and I are going to get “married” and they will perform the wedding ceremony.
Now, understand, that Alex and I are not planning on getting married. We’ve been down that road before and we are certainly not having any more children. Three monster princesses are enough! So, to now have the girls setting up a marriage ceremony in my living room was a bit surreal. They scurried around finding me the right dress, decorated me like a Christmas tree with jewels and bangles, and used a shawl as a veil held in place with a plastic headband. Rings were put in a little treasure box. Mina and Allegra were self proclaimed flower girls with Zola as the ring bearer. They each took turns performing the marriage ceremony and “I do’s” completed the simple ceremony.
Yes, it was just pretend, but it was lovely that there is such acceptance by all the girls of Alex and me being together. Blending families can be so hard and we have had our share of hard times adjusting. Each of the girls, in their own way, has struggled with this over the past few years. We seem to be coming to into balance and allowing love to come in and out. Trust is hard with little ones, especially after a divorce. If they open themselves up to love another parental figure, will they be hurt? will it affect their relationship with their other parent? will their parent love the new partner more than them? So many little questions and lack of verbal ability to express themselves leads to emotional outbursts. People ask me all the time how we have been able to create such a smooth transition from one family structure to the next.
- It takes Patience…lots and lots of patience.
- Respect and value the young ones needs above your own. It takes them longer to feel safe and comfortable.
- Do not take what they (the children) say personally. Their emotions are so volatile that they do not understand what they are feeling let alone how to express it.
- If you have found a partner that you are committed long term to, enjoy the journey, don’t rush things. Everything happens in its own time. Too often we feel the exhilaration of being together that everything has to happen RIGHT NOW!
- Value the little voices and listen to their feelings. They need to feel safe and secure after experiencing a divorce. They will not readily give their heart away again because now they know what it feels like for it to hurt.
- Support the children’s relationships with their other parents. They need to feel they are not betraying their biological parent if they love the new Step parent. On the other side of the spectrum, the other parent’s need to feel secure that they are not being replaced in their child’s heart.
There are more things to consider this time around when dating after divorce. There are more people involved other than you and your new partner. The key elements to take away from this is Respect everyone and their place in the family and Take your time. Remember, Good things come to those who wait.