As I have been working through Jack Canfileld’s Success Principle’s, I have been trying to use some of them with Mina and the girls. We are still working on “taking 100% Responsibility for your life.” It’s a hard one to swallow. There has been a lot of wiggling and writhing as we go into choices and responsibility. No one wants to believe that they are responsible for themselves feeling a certain way, least of all children! It is like they turn into tail swishing, snapping alligators..not wanting you to get close and challenge their self-centric world view!!
The other morning, Mina and I woke up. She wanted me to get out of bed, get her settled, and they I could return to my cozy bed after. Um..no. I told her that she was welcome to get out and do her thing, I just needed 5 more minutes to wake up. This went on for 20 min-she huffed and puffed and waited in her bed like I was punishing her. She CHOSE to stay in her bed, making herself miserable. 100% Responsibility, right? Here we embarked on lesson 1. I asked her questions about choice and who’s choice it was to stay in bed. If it was her choice, then who was making her upset and miserable. … Light-bulb moment: She sighed, realized what was going on and chose to getup on her own to start the day.
Yesterday we jumped ahead with lessons from deeper in the book: Clarification with our words. Alex, the girls, and I had a pizza picnic in the park. Mina misunderstood something Allegra said and ran off crying. Our night ended with both big girls crying and Zola upset I wasn’t going home with her. Not a banner night for our family, but it provided an opportunity.
Mina and I sat down at home and talked about it. Alex and I are really really trying to get the girls to use their words rather than to run off and cry. So, I asked Mina what would happen next time she misunderstood something, she used her words like: Did you mean “x” when you said this? Because this is how I heard it.
She said that would be embarrassing! How come? Because then someone would think I misunderstood them! EXACTLY and you could have the opportunity to clarify. Is 2 minutes of clarification worth more than an half hour of crying and not then not seeing your friend? She shook her head yes. Then she asked if grownups have to do this too! I said grownups REALLY need to learn how to take a step back and clarify! It is something we, as adults, do not do enough. It leads to all sorts of problems and misunderstandings. I builds and builds in someones heart until it explodes onto someone and that person has no idea what he/she did to deserve that! I told her that clarify and using our words is one of the most important thing someone could learn because it is so important to know as a grown-up.
Great post! It is hard to help kids realize that they are taking responsibility for their choices. I think the hardest part as parents is to LET them take responsibility for their choices. Many parents play victim to their children or are too soft to let their children suffer a little and think for themselves. I’m not saying its easy to do (because it really is hard sometimes), but if we don’t let our kids suffer when its not that big of a deal and take responsibility for small choices, what is going to happen when they leave home at 18? Well they are going to be in for a big surprise and get a big grown up world butt-kicking. Way to teach your kids early. Rock on Elif.